Sigh

Whats with the need for constant contact with the world?

I'm here trying to do some work, and its time for a break. My first thought is 'log on to facebook' , or 'check whats happening on gmail'. Why is it I need to be in contact with people? Is it habit? Is it necessity? I often feel lonely on the weekends when I'm working because I go to check whats happening online, but there's no one there because their all doing other things. But it's so silly, I fight so hard to be left alone then I finally get the chance is I get lonely.

Blurg!!!

Maybe I'm just frustrated becuase I don't really want to be stuck here doing work on the weekend.

Noticing my change

While i sit here in my bedroom doing my new favourite hobby, knitting. I got to thinking about who i am now.

Recently i was sent at an angry email from an old friend. She was angry that i had deleted her as a friend on facebook. We hadn't spoken for over a year so i decided to move her out. Nothing to personal just that i find it gets really crazy having a lot of friends on facebook so i clear out who i don't speak to.

Anyway, i sent her a reply email explaining myself. Telling her i really don't speak to many people anymore. It got me thinking about what i actually do do with my time. Really all i do is go to uni and work. then i just study, paint, read, write and see a handful of friends. I really feel like i have become a boring person. With not much to offer anyone. Im very content in my life. and i do feel super busy all the time. I guess I'm just happy not having people around so often now. Im happy focusing on the things i like.

This seems to be another step in getting older. Though it does seem a little premature for my age.

This is just a thought for now. I'm not sure weather ill do any more about it, because i really am content. I don't feel much of a need to change anything. Though i should keep an eye in it as i don't want to run out of friends.

Flash back emotions

When i was a kid and i was running late for something or i was unprepared i would start to cry and not want to leave the house, this great surge of panic would come over me. I would say there was no point i've ruined everything, or i cant do it. There was nothing in the world that would get me out the door. Thats my first memory of stress.

This week i've been feeling a bit the same. I have so much on and i feel like i cant remember anything. Im going to forget to do something or forget to go some where. I didnt panic like i did when i was a kid. But i didnt want to leave the house. I had to force myself to and it was like i was dragging myself by the collor all the way.

I got through it, i have know memory of how. But i did.

I wonder how i looked on the outside.

Thats something else i wonder about. The other day i was in the worst mood. I felt like when i spoke a canon was going off in my mouth, my expression was fixed in angry mode and my hair was standing up on end all day. I appologised the next day to anyone i had spoken to, sure that i must have been acting weird or been mean. But everyone said "i didnt notice anything weird, you where your normal self". I find that really concerning. I wish i could step out of myself and see how i am to others. It makes me feel like im not being real. Or is it that know one really takes notice.

Hummmm

Babble

Im in a place, but i dont know where it is. I dont recognise anything. I dont know where to go or what to do. I just feel like im coasting along. But does that really matter? Who knows. Though i do worrie that i might be lost, and i cant predict how long its going to go on for. It could be fear, it could be a moment, it could just be life. I know i need a change, im stagnet. Nothing really excites me anymore.

I have a friend who is like this all the time, he never challenges him self. I dont think his grown up yet. I think im lucky because i have grown up. And im not affraid. I really dont want to be like him. Thats one of my fears, if i dont make a change soon i could become him.

I went to sydney this weekend. That place frightens me. Theres so many people every ware. but its strange, i feel so pieceful there, even with people and noise everyware. I float along the streets and dream. Its actually quite wonderful. i just worry about so many people is such a small place, i feel like everyone is unhappy because there squashed and rushed. But when you speak to them there really and seem rather happy. It really supprises me.