Sleep and Edwina time

So I finally managed to have an 'Edwina only' weekend. I think personal time is very under rated. I often forget about making time for it. I don't realise till my head is about to explode. It very nearly did last week.

I was giving too much to a friend, drinking too much, not sleeping enough and not working hard enough. Oh and was dicked around by a guy.

So i needed this weekend to just stop and reflect. It was really horrible at first (emotional like) but now i feel a lot stronger and can see with a better perspective.

I am ready for the week.

Though another weekend to myself would be nicer.

Belly achs and too much beer

I'm seeing how easily one can absorbe anothers emotional state. You want to help someone so you put in all your energy to do so. Only to see that it didnt help one bit. They are still in the same situation they started with. Your left feeling totally flat and angry that nothing you did helped at all and that possibly all the time you put in did more bad then good. Now all that can be done is seporate your self from the person before they swallow you up whole.

I am so drained, so angry and so hurt. To compensate I have been drinking heavily which has created a negative cycle in my own life. I've not been going to work which is making the work pile up and stress me out. I need to get back on track and build myself up again.

But what do I do about this friend? Do I tell them what they are doing to me? Do I avoid them until I'm strong again? Or do I skip the country to aviod it all completly?

Arggg... Life and the people in it.

Whats next?

I'm starting to worry about whats comming next in my life. I know its going to be something big. I worry because I want to be ready for what ever it is.

I'm currently living in Austin TX. I have been here for 2months 1 week. I like it a lot. I want to stay longer, but on the visa I'm on I have to be out on the 27th of March.

I keep feeling torn between what I want to do. If I come back to Austin or if I go back home to Canberra. I like being here because I feel so free. I'd feel free no matter where i am except at home. I worry about going home, I miss it so much but i worry I'll wish I wasn't there.

I feel I need to prepare my mind for what ever ends up happening.

Right this moment I really don't want to go home. But I feel I have no control over whats going to happen. I think if I got home I'll just save up and come back here again.

Home sick

Being home sick is amongst one of the hardest sickness to get past. Once it sets in, its always lingering and can be so easily triggered. A rainy day, missing a train, loosing a trinket that you keep in your purse that your best friends boyfriends sister gave you, telling you it would cheer you up if you got down on your wild adventure, but that'll never happen you wont have time for that, of course.

During the quiet times you start to miss having your friends around. Being able to call them up at anytime for a chat about how you made eyes at some guy, or how you tripped and fell, spilling the contents of your bag all over the ground which included your travel vibrator that turned onto full speed from the impact of the fall, to an onlooking crowd on the street, who was unable to help you because of the shear embarrassment they had for you.

But when your home you take it all for granted. You don't think twice about the ease of life. Sometimes you even tire of it, you feel cramped, board and just want to be away from it all. I guess thats one of the good sides of being home sick. You really start to appreciate what you have. Realizing how lucky you are to have it so easy and so many people loving you back home.

You miss knowing exactly which take away is the best and the safest in town to fill your tummy with. You get tired of spending hours each day trying to figure out how to get to each of your desired destinations. You get tired of explaining to every person you meet where your from. And 'yes' Canberra is the capital of Australia and its 3 hrs west of Sydney, and no i have never met or hard of your cousins friend who is a dancer in some dance company in Melbourne.

You get tired of saying this wouldn't happen in my country, or in my country we do it like this.

The problem is you know your going to miss it all when you leave, and home is going to be exactly the same when you get back, except that your ex-boyfriend might have a new girlfriend now, some of your friends may have lost or gained weight, and the grass is a lot more greener from all the extra rain.

So you need to try to stop listening to the Best of Midnight Oil on repeat and depressing your self future. Stop scanning the condiment isle in the supermarket for Vegemite. Stop telling yourself you wish things where the same as back home. Stop wasting time thinking about how lonely you are and stop missing your friends. Because its all still there just not here.

Your in the other fucking side of the world and millions would give anything for the experience your having. Get out there and laugh at their funny accents, eat the didgy food and embrace the differences. Because home is always going to be there but your trip will end and you will regret all the time you are wasting.

Sigh

Whats with the need for constant contact with the world?

I'm here trying to do some work, and its time for a break. My first thought is 'log on to facebook' , or 'check whats happening on gmail'. Why is it I need to be in contact with people? Is it habit? Is it necessity? I often feel lonely on the weekends when I'm working because I go to check whats happening online, but there's no one there because their all doing other things. But it's so silly, I fight so hard to be left alone then I finally get the chance is I get lonely.

Blurg!!!

Maybe I'm just frustrated becuase I don't really want to be stuck here doing work on the weekend.

Noticing my change

While i sit here in my bedroom doing my new favourite hobby, knitting. I got to thinking about who i am now.

Recently i was sent at an angry email from an old friend. She was angry that i had deleted her as a friend on facebook. We hadn't spoken for over a year so i decided to move her out. Nothing to personal just that i find it gets really crazy having a lot of friends on facebook so i clear out who i don't speak to.

Anyway, i sent her a reply email explaining myself. Telling her i really don't speak to many people anymore. It got me thinking about what i actually do do with my time. Really all i do is go to uni and work. then i just study, paint, read, write and see a handful of friends. I really feel like i have become a boring person. With not much to offer anyone. Im very content in my life. and i do feel super busy all the time. I guess I'm just happy not having people around so often now. Im happy focusing on the things i like.

This seems to be another step in getting older. Though it does seem a little premature for my age.

This is just a thought for now. I'm not sure weather ill do any more about it, because i really am content. I don't feel much of a need to change anything. Though i should keep an eye in it as i don't want to run out of friends.

Flash back emotions

When i was a kid and i was running late for something or i was unprepared i would start to cry and not want to leave the house, this great surge of panic would come over me. I would say there was no point i've ruined everything, or i cant do it. There was nothing in the world that would get me out the door. Thats my first memory of stress.

This week i've been feeling a bit the same. I have so much on and i feel like i cant remember anything. Im going to forget to do something or forget to go some where. I didnt panic like i did when i was a kid. But i didnt want to leave the house. I had to force myself to and it was like i was dragging myself by the collor all the way.

I got through it, i have know memory of how. But i did.

I wonder how i looked on the outside.

Thats something else i wonder about. The other day i was in the worst mood. I felt like when i spoke a canon was going off in my mouth, my expression was fixed in angry mode and my hair was standing up on end all day. I appologised the next day to anyone i had spoken to, sure that i must have been acting weird or been mean. But everyone said "i didnt notice anything weird, you where your normal self". I find that really concerning. I wish i could step out of myself and see how i am to others. It makes me feel like im not being real. Or is it that know one really takes notice.

Hummmm