Home sick

Being home sick is amongst one of the hardest sickness to get past. Once it sets in, its always lingering and can be so easily triggered. A rainy day, missing a train, loosing a trinket that you keep in your purse that your best friends boyfriends sister gave you, telling you it would cheer you up if you got down on your wild adventure, but that'll never happen you wont have time for that, of course.

During the quiet times you start to miss having your friends around. Being able to call them up at anytime for a chat about how you made eyes at some guy, or how you tripped and fell, spilling the contents of your bag all over the ground which included your travel vibrator that turned onto full speed from the impact of the fall, to an onlooking crowd on the street, who was unable to help you because of the shear embarrassment they had for you.

But when your home you take it all for granted. You don't think twice about the ease of life. Sometimes you even tire of it, you feel cramped, board and just want to be away from it all. I guess thats one of the good sides of being home sick. You really start to appreciate what you have. Realizing how lucky you are to have it so easy and so many people loving you back home.

You miss knowing exactly which take away is the best and the safest in town to fill your tummy with. You get tired of spending hours each day trying to figure out how to get to each of your desired destinations. You get tired of explaining to every person you meet where your from. And 'yes' Canberra is the capital of Australia and its 3 hrs west of Sydney, and no i have never met or hard of your cousins friend who is a dancer in some dance company in Melbourne.

You get tired of saying this wouldn't happen in my country, or in my country we do it like this.

The problem is you know your going to miss it all when you leave, and home is going to be exactly the same when you get back, except that your ex-boyfriend might have a new girlfriend now, some of your friends may have lost or gained weight, and the grass is a lot more greener from all the extra rain.

So you need to try to stop listening to the Best of Midnight Oil on repeat and depressing your self future. Stop scanning the condiment isle in the supermarket for Vegemite. Stop telling yourself you wish things where the same as back home. Stop wasting time thinking about how lonely you are and stop missing your friends. Because its all still there just not here.

Your in the other fucking side of the world and millions would give anything for the experience your having. Get out there and laugh at their funny accents, eat the didgy food and embrace the differences. Because home is always going to be there but your trip will end and you will regret all the time you are wasting.

Sigh

Whats with the need for constant contact with the world?

I'm here trying to do some work, and its time for a break. My first thought is 'log on to facebook' , or 'check whats happening on gmail'. Why is it I need to be in contact with people? Is it habit? Is it necessity? I often feel lonely on the weekends when I'm working because I go to check whats happening online, but there's no one there because their all doing other things. But it's so silly, I fight so hard to be left alone then I finally get the chance is I get lonely.

Blurg!!!

Maybe I'm just frustrated becuase I don't really want to be stuck here doing work on the weekend.

Noticing my change

While i sit here in my bedroom doing my new favourite hobby, knitting. I got to thinking about who i am now.

Recently i was sent at an angry email from an old friend. She was angry that i had deleted her as a friend on facebook. We hadn't spoken for over a year so i decided to move her out. Nothing to personal just that i find it gets really crazy having a lot of friends on facebook so i clear out who i don't speak to.

Anyway, i sent her a reply email explaining myself. Telling her i really don't speak to many people anymore. It got me thinking about what i actually do do with my time. Really all i do is go to uni and work. then i just study, paint, read, write and see a handful of friends. I really feel like i have become a boring person. With not much to offer anyone. Im very content in my life. and i do feel super busy all the time. I guess I'm just happy not having people around so often now. Im happy focusing on the things i like.

This seems to be another step in getting older. Though it does seem a little premature for my age.

This is just a thought for now. I'm not sure weather ill do any more about it, because i really am content. I don't feel much of a need to change anything. Though i should keep an eye in it as i don't want to run out of friends.

Flash back emotions

When i was a kid and i was running late for something or i was unprepared i would start to cry and not want to leave the house, this great surge of panic would come over me. I would say there was no point i've ruined everything, or i cant do it. There was nothing in the world that would get me out the door. Thats my first memory of stress.

This week i've been feeling a bit the same. I have so much on and i feel like i cant remember anything. Im going to forget to do something or forget to go some where. I didnt panic like i did when i was a kid. But i didnt want to leave the house. I had to force myself to and it was like i was dragging myself by the collor all the way.

I got through it, i have know memory of how. But i did.

I wonder how i looked on the outside.

Thats something else i wonder about. The other day i was in the worst mood. I felt like when i spoke a canon was going off in my mouth, my expression was fixed in angry mode and my hair was standing up on end all day. I appologised the next day to anyone i had spoken to, sure that i must have been acting weird or been mean. But everyone said "i didnt notice anything weird, you where your normal self". I find that really concerning. I wish i could step out of myself and see how i am to others. It makes me feel like im not being real. Or is it that know one really takes notice.

Hummmm

Babble

Im in a place, but i dont know where it is. I dont recognise anything. I dont know where to go or what to do. I just feel like im coasting along. But does that really matter? Who knows. Though i do worrie that i might be lost, and i cant predict how long its going to go on for. It could be fear, it could be a moment, it could just be life. I know i need a change, im stagnet. Nothing really excites me anymore.

I have a friend who is like this all the time, he never challenges him self. I dont think his grown up yet. I think im lucky because i have grown up. And im not affraid. I really dont want to be like him. Thats one of my fears, if i dont make a change soon i could become him.

I went to sydney this weekend. That place frightens me. Theres so many people every ware. but its strange, i feel so pieceful there, even with people and noise everyware. I float along the streets and dream. Its actually quite wonderful. i just worry about so many people is such a small place, i feel like everyone is unhappy because there squashed and rushed. But when you speak to them there really and seem rather happy. It really supprises me.

Torturious secrets

She told me a secret. I'm glad she was comfortable to tell me. But now I'm stuck with it. I cant bare it. I relive it every day. I cant talk to anyone about it, not even her. I don't know what to do.

Why did she have to tell me, what was she expecting me to do? What did it do for her telling me? Dose she feel better now that she's not the only one burdened with this horrible secret?

All I can do, is imagine it over and over again in my head. Its torturing me.

Is it selfish of me to wish I had never been told this secret? Or is it selfish of her to have told me?

I don't know.

Mobile anxiety

This evening I noticed myself starting to feel sad, after looking at my mobile, for probably the 10th time tonight, still not having any messages. It made me feel really empty. Like know one was thinking of me. I just broke up with my boyfriend, my best friend is busy with work and my sole mate has left the country. There is a collection of emotions right there that I'm not dealing with.

The sadness all passed very quickly when I thought that I really don't want a boyfriend right now and I'm happy not being with my last boyfriend. My friends are just away right now, they'll be back.

But it was an interesting thought all the same. I should probable do something about that at some point.